"When I Got to Heaven"
MSTied by Bill

Date: Mon, 2 July 2007 08:37:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: A Well-Meaning Friend
Subject: FW: When I Got To Heaven
To: Unapologetic Cynic

Joan and Gretchen enter the theater and take their seats.

JOAN: How sweet, fresh meat!
GRETCHEN: Really?

Joan glares at Gretchen impatiently.

JOAN: Oh my! Superfluous cutesy graphics.
GRETCHEN: At what point do the oxygen masks deploy from the ceiling?

GRETCHEN: Thanks, as always.

Joan looks at her watch.

Subject: When I got To Heaven

GRETCHEN: Oh wait, I've seen this! When you get to the end of the spam, the writer realizes she's dead!
JOAN: It was cool, once.
GRETCHEN: No it wasn't.
JOAN: You're right. Never mind.

WHEN I Got to HEAVEN

JOAN: You know, the hearty-heart graphics really do help cushion the boredom.
GRETCHEN: Seriously?
JOAN: Wow, you're a little slow on the uptake today.



I was shocked, confused, bewildered

GRETCHEN: At why the sender sent this little note in really-hard-to-read, light gray font?
JOAN: Ah. Let me fix that.

I was shocked, confused, bewildered

JOAN: There.
GRETCHEN: Much better.
JOAN: Not really.
GRETCHEN: Oh, yeah. I guess not.
JOAN: Like ye olde expression says... be careful what you wish for.

As I entered Heaven's door

GRETCHEN: Say... why's there only one door?
JOAN: Playing harps and saying "shucks", "darn", and "consarnit" all the time gets old real quick.
GRETCHEN (gasping): You don't mean...?
JOAN: Yeah, well, the other guys don't get to change their minds, either. It's not the roadS to Hell paved by good intentions, is it?
GRETCHEN: But there's no door locking you in.
JOAN: Yah, there is. They just don't advertise it. It's a gated community. Kinda classy.
GRETCHEN: Good to know I'll roast in style.

Not by the beauty of it all

JOAN: Looky! Elvis on velvet!

By the lights or its decor.

GRETCHEN: I like what you've done with the afterlife.
JOAN: Thanks. It's out of Southern Living.

But it was the folks in Heaven

JOAN: Folks?
GRETCHEN: Queer as.
JOAN: That would explain the snappy interior design.

Who made me sputter and gasp

JOAN (as Austin Powers): Who... does... number 2... work for?

The thieves, the liars, the sinners

GRETCHEN (as Bart Simpson): Are there pirates in Heaven?
JOAN (as Sunday School teacher): Millions of them!
GRETCHEN (as Bart): Cool!!!

The alcoholics, the trash.

JOAN: There's alcohol in Heaven? Neat!
GRETCHEN: No, only the alcoholics.
JOAN: Better deadbolt the gate.
GRETCHEN: Hi, my name is Gretchen, and I'm an alcoholic.
JOAN (as support group): Hi, Gretchen.
GRETCHEN: It's been two hundred sixteen years since my last drink. I haven't touched the stuff since I died!
JOAN (support group): Pipe down, ya perky consarnit glass bowl.

Joan & Gretchen shudder in tandem.

JOAN: We definitely have to sin more.
GRETCHEN: Agreed.

There stood the kid from seventh grade

JOAN: Who made me sputter and gasp during recess.

Who swiped my lunch money twice

GRETCHEN: Before he "disappeared," never seeing eighth grade.

Next to him was my old neighbor

Joan puts on sweater and slippers. Soothing piano music plays in the background.

Who never said anything nice.

GRETCHEN: Get off my grass, consarnit all to H-E- double hockey sticks!
JOAN: No grass in Heaven. Only clouds.
GRETCHEN: My mistake. Hey! Hey! You! You! Get offa my cloud!
JOAN: You may have just opened a big ol' can of worms.
GRETCHEN: Don't think so. I gave him a twenty and sent him to the movies.

Uncle Bill, who I always thought

JOAN: Was he really your uncle, or did he just make you call him that?
GRETCHEN: Maybe it's Buffy or Jody writing this.

Was rotting away in Hell

JOAN: Well that's kind of harsh. Family Affair wasn't that bad.
GRETCHEN: Now the entire cast of Small Wonder.... that we could understand.

Was sitting pretty on cloud nine

JOAN: In a little pink chiffon number and mules.
GRETCHEN: You think maybe he's the designer?
JOAN: I wonder if Mr. French has on the appropriate uniform.

Looking incredibly well.

GRETCHEN: I always figured he was more suited to earth tones.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?

JOAN (as Jesus): Nudge me again, and I'll break your consarnit scrawny neck.
GRETCHEN (as author): Jeepers!
JOAN(as Jesus): Oh. Sorry, man. Just been having a bad day.

I would love to hear Your take

GRETCHEN: Oh, I get twenty percent most Sundays, but on Easter I get a bonus and 401k matching.
JOAN: Got any stock tips?

How'd all these sinners get up here?

JOAN: They knew somebody, who knew somebody, you know the deal...

God must have made a mistake."

GRETCHEN (as Friar Tuck): Ooooo, you should not talk mean like 'dat cuz dere he is!

"And why is everyone so quiet

JOAN (as Jesus): Well, shucks, you just said The Big Guy made a mistake.

So somber? Please give me a clue."

GRETCHEN: Well, no one needs one more...

"Hush, child," said He. "They're all in shock

JOAN: Aren't we all? I mean... Laura Mars! Canceled!
GRETCHEN: Wait. What are you talking about?
JOAN: Eh, Bill wrote me that line. I assume he means Veronica Mars.
GRETCHEN: Which by Season Three filled you with such disgust that you didn't even bother watching the final five episodes, but read all the spoilers about the lame-ass denouement to Logan's character arc and then -- yet again -- vowed your everlasting hatred of Veronica in such vituperative language that everyone thought you were a total nutbar?
JOAN: I prefer the term "Fangirl."

No one thought they'd see you!"

GRETCHEN: And they really thought they'd read the last of your poetry.
JOAN: So, God does make mistakes, then.

- AUTHOR UNKNOWN -

GRETCHEN: Sadly, not unknown enough.
JOAN: On the plus side, though, this little digital dropping does provide a glimmer of hope.
GRETCHEN: Oy. Please don't praise spam. It'll breed.
JOAN: No really. Can you imagine how dull it would be with nothing but people regaling you with war stories from soup kitchens and Bible study sessions? We all can be talkin' trash about our road rage, back stabbing, five finger discount shopping sprees. Y'know, have a good laugh about our misadventures while trapped in our mortal shells.
GRETCHEN: Punctuated by moments of sappy sanctimonious spam.
JOAN: I'm a "glass half full" kinda chick.
GRETCHEN: Well, enjoy it while you can. It was last call in Heaven about six thousand years ago.
JOAN: Cheers.

***